Deanna After Dark

A certain kind of panic hits moms right around 4:35 p.m.

It shows up when you realize dinner is still just an idea, the dog has thrown up on the rug, your teenager claims to be “starving” while ignoring a kitchen full of food, and someone online just posted a color-coded chore chart, homemade sourdough, and a family hike photo with the caption “Just soaking up these sweet years.”

Ma’am.

Some of us are not soaking up anything. Some of us are barely marinating.

If you have been feeling behind lately, hear this from a mom with one teenager and three young adults: you are not behind. You are just in the middle of it.

And what you are in is loud, expensive, sticky, emotionally confusing, and somehow always hungry.

I used to believe there would be a magical day when I finally felt caught up. The house would be clean, the calendar organized, meals planned, and I would move through motherhood in a linen blouse, giving wise advice and cut-up fruit.

That day has not come.

Instead, I have dealt with science fair meltdowns, senior pictures, driving lessons, college applications, strange smells, heartbreaks, group texts, forgotten forms, and the huge amount of groceries it takes to feed almost-grown kids who open the fridge every five minutes hoping for something new.

I have raised toddlers who licked shopping carts, kids who needed me constantly, teens who seemed annoyed by everything I said, and young adults who texted to ask how long to bake chicken they had no intention of baking themselves.

Let me tell you, as someone who has found wet towels in every room: motherhood never really feels completely together.

It just looks different over time.

When they are little, you feel behind because you cannot keep up with the mess.

When they are older, you feel behind because you cannot keep up with the emotional bandwidth required to parent people who are becoming themselves in real time.

And when they become young adults, you feel behind because no one warned you that letting go is a full-time job with bad benefits and lots of surprise crying in the car.

So no, you are not behind because you forgot Spirit Day.

You are not behind because the baby book ended after six pages.

You are not behind because your pantry looks like raccoons run your household.

You are not behind because your kid had cereal for dinner and lived to tell the tale.

You are not behind because everyone else seems better at this.

Here is what “everyone else seems better at this” really means: everyone else hides in the bathroom sometimes, too.

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that motherhood is less about having it all figured out and more about just being there.

Staying when they are moody.
Staying when they are messy.
Staying when they are thrilled.
Staying when they are impossible.
Staying even when you are not sure if you are doing a great job or just giving your kids stories for future therapy.

Showing up counts for a lot.

Actually, it counts for almost everything.

My kids do not remember whether I alphabetized the spice rack.
They do not speak in reverent tones about my baseboards.
Not one of them has ever said, “What really shaped me was Mom’s consistency with seasonal porch décor.”

What they remember is that I was there.

I was there when they were excited.
I was there when they were devastated.
I was there when they needed a ride, a snack, $20, a pep talk, a reality check, or someone to pretend not to notice they were crying.

That is the stuff.

Not the Pinterest stuff.
Not the performative stuff.
Not the polished stuff.

The real stuff.

I know it is hard not to compare yourself to impossible standards. We see so many perfect images of motherhood that make it seem like if you just tried harder, organized more, woke up earlier, labeled more bins, and served cuter vegetables, you could be one of those calm moms whose kids never lose a shoe on the way out.

But some of the best moms I know are not polished.

They are the faithful ones.

They are the moms who keep loving.
Keep apologizing.
Keep trying again.
Keep making dinner out of random freezer items and calling it a “fun mix-and-match night.”
Keep texting their grown kids reminders to check the oil and, somehow, remember everyone’s favorite cake.

They are tired.
They are funny.
They are doing their best with tired bodies, busy minds, and hearts that never get a break.

That is not behind.

That is real heroism, even with a messy bun.

So if today you feel like everyone else got the instruction manual and you just have a half-eaten granola bar and a school email you forgot to answer, let this remind you:

You do not need to catch up to be a good mom.

Your kids do not need your perfection.
They need your presence.

They need the version of you who keeps coming back after a hard day.
The version that says, “I’m sorry.”
The version that laughs.
The version that loves them when they are wonderful and when they act like tiny, wild CEOs.

And maybe, just maybe, you need that reminder too.

You are allowed to be a beautiful mess in progress.
You are allowed to have a life that looks full, not flawless.
You are allowed to mother imperfectly and still do it incredibly well.

I am past the sippy cup stage and now dealing with teen attitudes, kids leaving home, and adult kids who text with a “quick question” that somehow costs me time and money.

From where I am now, I can tell you this:

The moms who think they are behind are often the ones caring the hardest.

You are not failing.
You are carrying a lot.

So drink your reheated coffee.
Ignore at least one non-essential chore.
Text the kid.
Hug your teenager if they let you, and if not, show them love in your own way.
Make an easy dinner.
Buy the store-bought cupcakes.
Let the laundry sit one more day if necessary.

This season does not need a perfect mom.

It just needs you.

Snark, grace, and everything in between.

The other morning, I embarrassingly thought I was actually in charge of my own home.

I finally sat down with a hot coffee. No one was asking me where their wallet, charger, water bottle, or even their will to live had gone. For a moment, I felt like I was thriving.

Then my teenager walked into the living room and said, “Before you get upset…”

That is always a fun sentence. So relaxing. It ranks right up there with “We need to talk” and “I heard a weird noise from the car.”

I said, “I’m already upset, and I do not even know why yet. Go on.”

Apparently, one of my older kids decided to “organize” the pantry.

I know what you are probably thinking: how helpful, how mature, what a blessing to have grown kids taking initiative.

But what actually happened was every item from the pantry ended up spread all over my kitchen, like we were preparing for a low-budget game show called Extreme Couponing: Emotional Breakdown Edition.

There were canned goods on the counter, pasta on the table, snacks on the floor, and at least three jars of something nobody here has ever eaten, but someone still bought. I found five open boxes of crackers, four bottles of the same barbecue sauce, and one can of pumpkin purée that had survived for years.

And the kid who started this? Gone.

Vanished.

Apparently, he left to get “organizing supplies,” which is interesting since nothing has actually been put away yet.

So I stood in my kitchen, looking at everything from my pantry laid out like a museum exhibit called Motherhood And The Slow Loss Of Control.

Then, as if they sensed trouble, the rest of the kids started drifting in.

One said, “You should put the snacks where people can see them.”

Oh, should I? So you mean it would be easier for you to eat them all in one day and then text me, “Do we have any snacks?”

Another said, “We should make zones.”

Great idea. Let us make a zone for things nobody finishes, another for things nobody puts back, and a special spot for “Ingredients Purchased For One Recipe In 2020.”

My teenager, who is especially good at stepping over problems, looked around and said, “Honestly, the system before was not working.”

I’m sorry, you mean the system where food just stayed on the shelves? That system?

Please, tell me more, kid who cannot find ketchup unless it is right in front of you with a spotlight on it.

And just to keep things interesting, the original organizer finally came back, looked at the mess he had made, and said, “Wow. This is overwhelming.”

Yes, it is overwhelming – for me. Welcome to my world.

So I spent the next hour putting the pantry back together, all while being watched by people who have never once replaced the kitchen trash bag without acting like it was a huge ordeal.

The whole time, they offered suggestions.

“Maybe label the shelves.”
“Maybe get matching containers.”

Maybe move out.

And of course, later that day, I heard one of them tell their dad, “Mom got kind of stressed when we were helping.”

Helping.

That magical family word meaning “created a bigger mess, contributed one idea, and left for a snack.”

Parenting older kids in a nutshell: they are old enough to make big problems, confident enough to critique how you handle them, and comfortable enough to leave their shoes in the hallway as if they pay the bills.

And yet, I love them fiercely.

But just for the record, if anyone touches my hidden snacks again, they will see how organized I can really be.

The other day, I opened the fridge and just stood there, trying to decide if I live with one teenager and three young adults or a group of very organized raccoons.

How does the fridge get emptied so fast and so thoroughly, but nothing useful ever gets replaced?

Inside, I found half a bottle of mustard, three salad dressings nobody liked enough to finish, a single pickle floating in a jar like the last survivor of a disaster, and one yogurt that looked like it had been there since the kids were homeschooled during the pandemic.

Everything else? Gone.

The turkey I bought for sandwiches? Gone.
The shredded cheese meant for taco night? Gone.
The leftovers I specifically said were dinner for the next day? Absolutely gone.
The expensive berries I bought as a treat? Gone so quickly, you would think they were top secret.

And of course, what was left was the usual: a carton with just two tablespoons of milk, a juice bottle with one lonely sip at the bottom, and a container of leftovers so small it looked more like a science experiment than a meal.

This is what gets me about older kids. They can eat $250 worth of groceries in a day and a half, but somehow replacing anything is impossible.

My teenager will yell, “There is nothing to eat,” while standing in front of a fridge full of ingredients, produce, yogurt, eggs, tortillas, and six kinds of cheese. If food cannot be eaten one-handed straight from the package while staring into space, it does not count.

And the young adults are no better.

They come in, eat as if they are preparing for a polar expedition, and leave behind evidence of their visit in the form of little signs of disrespect.

An empty orange juice carton in the fridge.
An empty cereal box back in the pantry.
A loaf of bread with only the end piece left, as if that means it is not finished.
And my favorite: putting a container back with just one bite left, so technically no one has to admit they finished it.

Honestly, it feels like psychological warfare that deserves a study.

The other morning, I asked, “Who finished the coffee creamer?”

Four faces looked at me with the calm innocence of people who have never known hardship.

“I barely used any,” one said.
“It was almost empty when I got here,” said another, despite living here.
“I thought we had more,” said the teenager, who has never once in his life worried about keeping track of what is in the house.
And one of my young adults, with total confidence, said, “Didn’t you just buy groceries?”

Yes.
Yes, I did.
That is what makes this such a mystery.

I’m basically running a small, unpaid restaurant for people who write “we need food” in the family group chat, as if I’m a distant supplier who let the whole village down.

No one makes a list.
No one notices we are out of anything until the exact moment they want it.
No one throws away the empty container.
But everyone has feedback.

“Do we have anything good?”
“We need more snacks.”
“Why don’t we ever have drinks?”
“You should get that bread I like.”

Oh, you mean the bread you eat in one sitting, then leave the bag open on the counter as a warning to everyone?

And somehow, every grocery trip is the same. I buy food. They eat it all. I find the leftovers. Then someone opens the fridge, looks at the emptiness they created, and says, “There is literally nothing here.”

Literally nothing.

Except for condiments, produce, eggs, yogurt, leftovers, lunch meat, and enough ingredients for six meals. But sure, Jessica, it is a famine.

And yet, because motherhood is cruel, tender, and ridiculous all at once, I know that one day this fridge will stay full.

The berries will last.
The leftovers will remain untouched.
The good cheese will sit there exactly where I put it.
And no one will drink the last of the creamer and put the empty carton back as a small act of domestic sabotage.

And as maddening as it is now, I know I will miss these hungry people one day.

I will miss the slamming fridge door, the constant search for snacks, the teenager claiming he is starving five minutes after eating, and young adults wandering through the kitchen as if it were still their safe place.

But today?

Today, if one more person tells me “there is nothing to eat” while holding a spoon in front of my empty yogurt shelf, I might finally reach the level of character-building everyone says comes with motherhood.

There are a lot of things people tell you about parenting older kids.

People tell you it gets easier.
People tell you they become more independent.
People say that once your kids can drive, make a frozen pizza, and handle their homework, you can finally relax a bit.

And to be fair, some of that is true.

But what no one really tells you is this: when your older kids get sick, they still want their mom.

It is not just a sweet, occasional moment where you think, “Aw, I’m still needed.”

Instead, it is 2:05 in the morning, your kid is wrapped in a blanket, and you get a text from upstairs: “Mom, can you bring me medicine?”

When a teenager gets sick, something changes. The kid who usually eats all the time, sleeps as if it were a sport, and always says he is “fine” suddenly becomes a tired little patient who seems to come from another time.

He appears in the hallway wrapped in a blanket, looking pale and almost offended by his own fever, and says, “I do not think I’m going to make it.”

As a mom who has been through this many times, my first reaction is always compassion.

Then I remind myself it is just a low-grade fever, nothing serious.

The young adults, of course, are not much different.

They might have jobs, busy schedules, and strong opinions about how often I should clean out my pantry.

But let one of them wake up with a sore throat, and suddenly I am once again the first call.

My phone starts filling with questions, some practical and some a bit dramatic.

“Mom, what should I take for congestion?”
“Mom, do you think I need to go in?”
“Mom, what is the difference between ibuprofen and acetaminophen again?”
“Mom, I think I’m dying.”

No, sweetheart. You are not dying.

You are sick, tired, uncomfortable, and maybe a little dramatic. Honestly, that is just how our family is.

That is the funny thing about parenting older kids. When they are healthy, they show you how much they know, how little help they need, and how well they can manage on their own.

But as soon as they get sick, it is as if everyone forgets how to drink water.

My teenager becomes especially committed to the whole experience.

He is too weak for school.
Too weak to empty the dishwasher.
Too weak to take his plate to the sink.

Yet somehow, he still has the energy to ask me to go get Chick-fil-A.

It is funny how their strength returns for the things that matter most to them.

And while I might laugh about it, because sometimes that is all you can do, there is something very tender about caring for your kids when they are sick, even when they are older.

Because no matter how old they get, being sick seems to peel them back a little.

The teenager with the deep voice and big sneakers suddenly looks like the little boy who used to fall asleep on my chest.

The young adult with her own car and grown-up responsibilities sounds, for a moment, just like the kid who once needed help opening applesauce.

And every time, it gets me.

Motherhood changes as our kids grow up, but it never really gets smaller.

It just becomes quieter.
A bit more spread out.
A bit more focused on texts.

These days, I am not pacing the floor with a toddler on my hip or lining up cartoon medicine cups in the bathroom. But I am still answering late-night texts about fevers, still making soup, and still listening closely to every cough, trying to decide if it is normal or something to worry about.

And I still do not sleep much when one of my kids is sick.

Maybe that part of motherhood just never leaves your body.

I can be in bed, eyes closed, completely exhausted, and still somehow alert to every sound in the house. A cough wakes me up. A text wakes me up. Even silence wakes me up, because then I start to wonder why it is so quiet.

It is a glamorous life, truly.

By morning, I look exactly like what I am: a mom who spent the night caring, listening, checking in, and keeping track of medicine, fluids, symptoms, and who ate what.

My coffee is cold.
My hair is questionable.
I am wearing the same sweatshirt I had on yesterday.
And I have reheated the same cup of coffee so many times that it now tastes more like perseverance than coffee.

But still, I show up.

That is what moms do.

I bring the soup.
I refill the water.
I answer the text.
I sit on the edge of the bed.
I ask, “How are you feeling now?” even though I have already asked six times and will probably ask six more times.

Because when your kids are sick, no matter how old they are, what they are really looking for is comfort.

They want someone to help them think.
Someone to remind them what to take.
Someone to make them tea.
Someone to tell them they will be okay.

They want home.

And somehow, for so many of them, home is still Mom.

That is the part that makes me smile even when I’m tired.

Long after they stop needing help tying their shoes, packing lunches, or finding missing homework, they still need us in the moments that matter.

They still call.
They still ask.
They still reach for Mom when they do not feel well.

It is sweet.
It is inconvenient.
It is exhausting.
It is one of the clearest reminders that love does not really fade with age.

So here is to the moms of teenagers and young adults, the ones still answering midnight questions from kids who are technically old enough to handle most things on their own.

The ones delivering ginger ale to kids who are taller than they are.
The ones answering medical questions from adults with full-time jobs.
The ones who are still, somehow, the family’s first call when somebody feels miserable.

We may be tired.
We may be running on cold coffee and very little sleep.
We may be just one group text away from putting our phones on silent and hiding in the pantry.

But we are still the comfort.
Still the steady voice.
Still, where they turn when they need care.

And maybe that is one of the strangest, sweetest things about motherhood:

It does not end when they grow up.

It just starts coming in as a text from upstairs.

These days, I no longer have to deal with diaper disasters. My kids are older now – a teenager and three young adults – but I’m still pretty sure I could handle a blowout in under 15 seconds if I had to.

But my funniest diaper memory is still stuck in my mind, just as vivid as ever.

Once, one of my boys was lying on the changing table, looking sweet and innocent. I remember thinking, “Wow, I am really getting the hang of this.” Every mom knows that is exactly when chaos hits.

As soon as the diaper came off, pee shot straight up, a chubby foot landed in the dirty diaper, and I grabbed for wipes as fast as I could. I held both ankles with one hand, tried to save the onesie with the other, and wondered how I got myself into this mess.

Meanwhile, my son just stared at me, calm and unbothered, maybe even a little amused.

Now that my kids are older, they roll their eyes when I tell these stories, which only makes me want to share them more. Motherhood is a long journey, from changing diapers to reminding grown kids to answer texts, and honestly, both stages involve cleaning up messes no one warned you about.

The difference is that diaper explosions were actually easier. At least back then, I was allowed to carry the emergency supplies for them.